Top Ten 2013 Food Predictions

1. On the heels of trademarking April Bloomfield’s Spotted Pig in the UK, chef Gordon Ramsay will secure trademarks for The French Laundry, Noma, Per Se, and Babbo, and open a new flagship restaurant called Gordon Ramsay’s Momofuku Grill.

2. Out: Buttchugging. In: Earshots

3. Banana Republic will launch the world’s first “Smart Casual” restaurant, pairing flat front khakis with Chipotle-style burritos.

4. Out: Gluten-free Pizza. In: Gluten-lovers Pizza.

5. Following his sale of Wine Advocate to Asian investors, wine critic Robert Parker will launch Noodle Advocate, featuring in-depth noodle criticism, “noodle notes” (“toothsome and hedonistic, with undercurrents of egg, toasted wheat, and underbrush”) and the first 100-point noodle scale. In keeping with his penchant for high alcohol wines, Parker will display a clear bias towards drunken noodles.

6. Out: Breastaurants. In: Feeteries.

7. Retro ’80s cuisine goes big time as chefs recreate the era with tuna tartare served on coke spoons.

8. Reprising her (in)famous sexual interlude with Elvis, Gael Greene will bed Justin Bieber in a New York hotel. But, unlike Elvis, who asked Greene for a post-coital egg sandwich, Bieber will request a Lunchable.

9. Out: Grazing. In: Troughing.

10. Food will go seriously high tech in 2013, as robot belly becomes the new bacon.