Ruth’s Rules: A Culinary Kama Sutra

My good friend Michael Ruhlman has written eloquently about the art of lovemaking while roasting a chicken. It’s a philosophy of living that combines cooking, multitasking, and horniness, and it’s one that, as you might imagine, I’ve totally fucking embraced.

There’s no need to limit yourself to sex while preparing just one dish, however. In fact, once you begin to think about it, there is plenty of downtime in the kitchen that can be exploited for sexual gratification. Here are some basic rules to follow to get more sex into your life while cooking:

While roasting a chicken…have sex.*

While braising short ribs…have a three-way.

While roasting a turkey…have an orgy.

While toasting a bagel…rub up against the counter.

While steaming rice…pleasure yourself.

While steeping tea…get teabagged.

While boiling water for pasta…get a blow job.

While boiling the pasta…give a blow job.

While making an omelet…peek at nude photos of Jacques Pepin.

While warming a corn tortilla…imagine Rick Bayless doing yoga in the buff.

While grinding coffee…goose somebody.

While grinding spices…get goosed.

This is by no means a complete list of every single opportunity to experience sexual pleasure while cooking. The idea is to get you thinking about it, and once you do, you will never see cooking in the same way.

*Clean your hands thoroughly to avoid cross-contamination.