Comfort Me with Offal

Here are five simple ways that ABC can quickly turn around the disaster that is “The Chew”:

1. Shackle Mario Batali to the kitchen counter so he can’t escape to go golfing.

2. Get rid of Daphne Oz and bring in Frank Oz, who can do the voice of Animal from the Muppet Show.

3. Less Ester C. More Special K.

4. Bring back Michael Symon’s soul patch. The show is soulless without it.

5. More cowbell.