Comfort Me with Offal

Although a bit douchey, Alton Brown has done an impressive thing by publishing his “Fanifesto” detailing exactly how fans should deal with him on his book tour. I thought I would expand on it with “Mein Fanf,” some rules for how fans should treat all celebrity chefs.

• Please don’t ask a celebrity chef to talk to someone on the phone. Unless, that is, you have Ferran Adria on the line. God, I can talk to that guy for hours.

• When a celebrity chef is on book tour, keep physical contact to a minimum, unless you are bearing foie gras. Then, all bets are off.

• If you go to a book signing with Nigella Lawson, try not to fall into her cleavage. You may never get out.

• Bring a first aid kit to all Paula Deen events. There’s a high probability you will be deep-fried.

• Yes, celebrity chefs will sign things besides books. Spoons, cutting boards, mixers, you name it. Most won’t sign living things except for Todd English. That guy will sign your private parts.

• Please don’t talk to celebrity chefs in a public restroom. That’s what private restrooms are for.

• When tackling large book signings, celebrity chefs try to move fast. But, they will often ask the hottest men or women to come to the front of the line so that they can get them into bed at a decent hour. This means some of you will have to wait a little longer. Thank you in advance for your patience.

•Do: Rub Tom Colicchio’s head with the finest extra virgin olive oil. Don’t: Put barrettes in his soul patch.

• If you are lucky enough to hang out with a celebrity chef and smoke some tangerine zest, always pass it on the left.

•If Mario Batali asks you to shave his truffles, you do it.

• When it’s over, it’s over. Celebrity chefs will stay to the last, but then they simply must be going. In most cases, they need to go and Purell their hands for a few hours after shaking so many of yours.

Ruth